Pure

Help would only cause me more harm.

I’d rather die than lose my sense of control or let others see me looking “normal”.

I know, in reality, I’m not the one in control.

But I crave the false satisfaction it gives me.

Empty and pure.

That’s all I want to be.

I’m trapped inside this stupid cage. I can’t let it go, but I can’t live like this either.

#9

I wish there was a way to make this feeling go away.

A Pig.

That's what I am.

#8

I haven't slept this long in years. 12 hours uninterrupted?!?!?

I woke up at 3 pm and haven't done anything other than practicing on my bass. My skills have deteriorated so much that there's no way I can even film myself playing without feeling ashamed. My stamina is so low, I can hardly play 3 full songs before needing a break :D

I'll practice 4+ hours each day to get back to my previous level and go beyond it. My left-hand fingertips are about to fall off, it's been 9 hours.

Songs practiced today: Die in the Summertime, waking up, lounge act, faster, 2:1, acquiesce, Motorcycle emptiness, Suicide is painless, you stole the sun from my heart, du hast, weisses fleisch

I'll watch Wong Kar-wai's As Tears Go By and then sleep.

A Reminder

 

When I decided to sit and listen to the whole OKNOTOK 1997 2017 for the first time, this song shocked me because of its intro. It's the "doors are closing" announcement of Czech metro :( 

Me and a friend would always mock the "a nástup" part whenever we heard it. It's a bit nostalgic, the song is really good too, but the intro is a reminder by itself.

Here's some pictures I took last year in Prague:

(Týn Church, last spring)

(Petřiny, last winter, the neighbourhood I lived in <3)

(Christmas Market at the Old Town Square)

#7

I have so many drafts, some of them are really long and the others are just uncomfortably honest.

I was thinking about the book Naomi, which to me has a more horrifying plot than any horror book. If there's something I truly hate, it's infidelity. I remember feeling sick to my stomach after reading the last parts of the book. I'm afraid if I ever loved someone that much, I would either act the same way Joji did, or I'd just straight up shoot myself in front of Naomi. But it's so scary to even think about. On Naomi's part: I'd rather kill myself than do what she did. So, if I was in that specific relationship, I'm killing myself :D

Jokes aside, it'd drive me crazy. 

My mind can't comprehend the logic behind cheating. It's pure evil.

Anyway, I did almost nothing today. I wish I could exercise or dance like I used to. But I'm physically so exhausted all the time, sometimes I can't even move my lips to sing a song. It's unbelievable how athletic I was until the start of this summer. 

I'm just going to practice some songs on my bass and watch Buffalo 66'.

Edit (23:04): I injured my pinky after playing "Miss Europa Disco Dancer" few times in a row. But I taught myself how to play it without my pinky >:) I might upload some videos here in the future, playing some manics riffs if i can stop butchering them on video.

(06:00) I... forgot to sleep... I realised it was 5:50 after hearing the morning adhan. WHYYY.

<3

#6

 I've spent the whole day on my new chronological Manics playlist, it took 7 hours to finish. It could've taken less time, but I wanted to check the accuracy of it from multiple places, and I'm pretty sure it's still not close to being fully accurate. After finishing that, I had this need to listen to someone yap about the manics hours and hours on end. I decided to read articles and watch interviews, but it didn't cut it. Like any interest, there's an urge to share your passion and see others enjoy it the way you do. I can share it here and there, but I can't really satisfy the other part for some reason.

 My poor mum has to listen to me yap about interviews and music videos because I watch them on the living room television :D I'm surprised how she can stand my endless fun facts. 

(my cat, unable to sleep on my bed because of the loud music :ddd)

Just like the song, last night I dreamt that somebody loved me. funnily enough, I was a bit sad to wake up from it, but sometimes even imaginary love is enough to make you feel loved. I've been doing a lot better in the last few days. Trying to remove the shades I had over my eyes that prevented me from seeing the beauty that is life. Gotta cling to this mentality as long as I can, otherwise the winter won't bring me anything but my downfall. Lots of hugs and love <3

:)

The Future

I remember seeing this picture for the first time, my jaw fell to the floor because I love LOVE this song. (Nicky also had a picture like this but I couldn't find it :// )

*

Give me back the Berlin wall

Give me Stalin and St. Paul

I've seen the future, brother

It is murder

*

HAPPYYYYY

 I'm so happy, I can't even sit still.

I've downloaded all Manics discography (including the ones that aren't on spotify) in flac format. I'm sorry for pirating but there's no way for me to get my hands on any of these. They're HEAVENLY. I usually use my cheap sony earphones + my sony walkman nwz to listen music, but with this flacs sounding better even with them, I took my JBL e45bt from its grave and IT'S JUST PERFECT. It feels like I'm listening all the songs for the first time :)))) Everything is so clear; you can hear each instrument clearly, you can differentiate back vocals much easier... UUUUGHH I'M GOING TO LOSE MY MIND!!!!

I love music so much it's incredible. Just a couple hours ago I was really down but now I'm bursting with happiness. 

One day, I'll buy each record and listen to them without having to feel guilty like this. Or maybe get the chance to listen to them live... who knows :)

me rn:

Hedgehog

...

"We should be careful

Of each other, we should be kind

While there is still time."

*

I'm the hedgehog, waiting in the long grass.

Tired

I'm so tired.

I don’t want to write about how miserable I am all the time. I could have been writing about how much I enjoyed nature while I was away from home. I’m back home now. It gets tiring, even for me, writing about the same nonsense—how sad and lonely I am—just proves that I’m a stupid loser, a loser who can’t be satisfied no matter what. I’m just a headache, a burden that somehow people claim to like.

I wanted to close this blog because of this, I wrote the html to show no trace of my posts. But I feel connected to this place now, I had to turn it back to this. I don’t want to bore anyone with my weirdness.

I’ve been having these emotional outbursts for the last few days. When I think about the future, dreaming about all these things, I can’t help but cry my eyes out because, deep down, I know I won’t get there. All I have is my thoughts, constantly thinking. I wish I could escape my mind, my own words that won’t stop hurting me.

I miss my dad. He wouldn’t talk to me about my feelings, but his presence would always distract me; we would watch sports and documentaries all day, talking about politics and anything around us. I guess he was too good for this world. I remember listening to these lyrics after the day he passed away:

"You call this justice, world?
You have given neither love nor wealth
You are the world that belongs to evil
The killer of decent people"

14 months... Time really flies by. Now it's just us left in this house; three people who don’t even try to act like a family. My brother just pushes me to do things; he just came to my room and saw me listening to music, and he’s begging me to do anything else other than listening to music, but I can’t.

I want to reach out, to be bold. I guess I’m a master at pushing people away. I want others to be around me, but I just assume that they don’t want me around them. So, I give them the space they deserve before it gets too much, in case they are too polite to tell me that I bother them.

   

#5

I’m trying to be alright. And I will be. Everything will be alright. I’m surrounded by people who care about me, yet I’m so lonely. I’ll be fine. Getting better must be my only priority right now. But why am I crying? Why am I so scared of change? I need to be happy about this. What is this feeling in my chest that’s suffocating me? This feeling will pass. I need to focus on getting rid of this pain. I’m praying to God to remove this sorrow from my heart. I know that tomorrow will be better than today.

I have hope for the future. I’ll visit the places I want to see, and I’ll have the happy family I’ve always wanted. Thinking about these things is enough to make me feel better. Knowing that nothing is impossible helps me keep going forward with my life. But I’m still crying. What if I can’t achieve these dreams? STOP. I will. I will have a family, a proper family. Why wouldn’t I?

It looks like I’m going to cry myself to sleep. I can’t continue writing, or it might make everything worse. I won’t lose hope. “Maybe tomorrow, I’ll find my way home.”

Good night. <3

#4

I’m feeling mentally a bit better now. Planning ahead really makes me feel less stressed. I’m really tired of the constant comments on how skinny I am (total lie, btw), how little I eat, and being pushed to eat more. I was really sick today, so I slept a lot and listened to music all day. I went out for a walk in the evening. While lying down, I thought about something my brother said to me a month ago: ‘You enjoy making yourself miserable.’ Do I? Am I addicted to my sadness? Maybe he’s partially right. I’m so used to being alone and sad that maybe I’m trying to avoid change.

But I don’t think that’s the reason I didn’t want a relationship with the people who approached me. They weren’t people I could ‘love.’ I never felt drawn to them; nothing about them interested me. The way they talked, their interests… I was confident I didn’t even like them. When you’re not interested, even talking to someone feels like a chore. I couldn’t even get myself to say a single word, especially when you have nothing in common. Maybe I’m being too picky. All the people I’ve ‘loved’ never liked me back. It seems impossible to find someone you love who can love you back. Mutual love.

If Aristophanes’ approach is right, when will I find my other half? What if he’s dead already or somewhere too difficult to find? Metaphorically, I do believe Aristophanes is right. Humankind is cursed with the notion of ‘love.’ Just like death, once it enters your mind, you can never be free of it. I’ve coded this into my head in such a way that both concepts feed each other. At first, I thought love could be the only solution to my despair. The lack of love then fed my despair, and now I’m spiraling into this endless cycle. Lovelessness wasn’t the start of my sadness, so I can’t fully blame it.

Yap, yap, yap… Me and my stupid rants about love and depression. I’m sorry…

I’ll continue reading my book and then sleep.

#3

I’m too tired of feeling. Relapsing seem to be the only distraction that’ll work for me. I planned it all, since the weather is getting colder, I can relapse on both. I feel so out of control here. When I go back home next week, I’ll eat nothing but a max 1 cup of porridge each day until the 15th of october. Maybe I’ll have some ballantine’s from time to time. I’ve been trying to get better, and I actually did get better physically, but when you’re still struggling inside it doesn’t help but make it worse. Like I said, I’m too tired, my brain hurts from thinking. I just want to write “that’s it, I can’t take it anymore.” on a paper and let the life pour out of me in the shower. I won’t do that anytime soon though.

Like yesterday, I’ll attach the pics I took today. I finished my mobile data, I’m literally addicted to watching concerts on youtube, so I had to pay for excess usage. I’m currently reading Natsume Soseki’s Michikusa. I’ll continue reading it and then sleep. Good Night.

“So, before life tears us apart

 Let death bless me with you”

#2

I have this weird feeling inside me that I can’t explain. I’m not sad myself, but I can feel a deep sorrow in my heart. Whatever this is, I hope it passes soon because it’s killing me. Other than that, my day was… alright? I’m a bit bothered about not having my routine here, but I have more important thoughts keeping my head busy right now. Ugh, that feeling again! It’s like someone is squeezing my heart and punching my stomach. I’m also feeling sad for no reason.

Anyway, when I was out, I took some great pictures, and I’ll attach them at the bottom. I got sick, not surprisingly, since I’m sick almost every week. Some people are born weak, and I’m one of them. I’m weak, both physically and mentally. I’ve spent more mobile data than I should have because I HAD TO watch the Live at Phoenix ’93 Drug Drug Druggy performance :))) In the evening, I spent my time listening to downloaded albums and playlists. I’ll continue doing that after writing this. I’m going to lay under the night sky, on the patio, and think.

*

“Last night I dreamt

that somebody loved me.

Last night I felt

Real arms around me.

No hope, no harm

Just another false alarm.

So, tell me how long

Before the last one?

And tell me how long

Before the right one?”

*

It’ll always be a false alarm…

#1

I’ve got a little bit of internet left, and fortunately, the house has some signal. I’m just going to write a journal entry and basically yap. I’ve got a lot of time to spend here since I can’t watch concert footage or movies on TV all day. I’m not sure if I’ve done anything worth writing, to be honest. I packed my bag, got on the bus, listened to the 1991 Britpop playlist I downloaded (Amazing playlist btw, thanks Thomas) on the way, and read a few chapters of Tanizaki’s Naomi. Then I arrived here. This place is in the middle of nowhere, so we just take walks to pass the time, there’s really nothing else to do. Last year, there was no signal, so I was a bit afraid. Ummm… That’s it, I guess. I’ve given myself 5 minutes per day to check Twitter and post here so that I don’t run out of internet. I’m going to continue reading my book, listen to the playlist, and then sleep. Bye.

Here are some pics I’ve taken today:

Anatolian Rock

(This is going to be a long one... I'll be gone for a week, so this is a week's worth of writing. If I find wi-fi somewhere, maybe I'll post a draft.)

A fusion of folklore and rock, in total harmony, is a blessing to any native's ear.

Combination of Western instruments and Turkish instruments, covers of folksongs, lyrics taken from famous folk poets. After the international 1968 movements, the '60s Gastarbeiter call from Germany, and the 1971 memorandum protests in Turkey, people needed a voice. That’s when they found their sound in rock. Inspired by early Western rock & roll, many legendary bands were born by the early '70s. Some chose to be hopeful about the future and embraced western music standards. Others fell deeper into their despair and clanged onto the native culture even further, creating the Arabesque genre.

I had the opportunity to meet 3 Hürel's bassist, who was our art teacher in elementary school. He was so full of love and enthusiasm for music. He was another inspiration for me that made me start playing the bass in later years, as his art classes were the only thing I looked forward to at school.

Along with Anatolian rock, 2000s Turkish rock-pop also holds a significant place in my heart. When my father used to take us to hookah cafes after elementary school (such a great parent, I know), the only thing to entertain me and my brother in such places was the radio. Luckily, back then, there were actual great songs on the radio, unlike the (c)rap they play now.

Bands like Manga, Mor ve Ötesi, Pinhani, and Yüksek Sadakat were the first bands we actually sat down and listened to. We still do. Now that we've grown up, we've had the chance to listen to these bands live :))

As someone who's in love with my culture (and I can't shut up about it), I'd like to add a few of my favourite songs with my commentary and some lyrics:

Early 2000's Turkish Rock:

Mor ve Ötesi - Cambaz (Acrobat) 

The word "cam-" here also can be understood as "television" in terms of its meaning. It's criticising the media for being an "acrobat" and feeding politicians' rousing. The opening lines "You're neither news, nor a Turk" refer to a well-known news channel "HaberTürk (NewsTürk)". Mor ve Ötesi almost always creates songs with social criticism. The song they performed at Eurovision; "Deli", a diss to EU, telling straight to their face how they deceived Turkey about the process of becoming a member from the very beginning. Which really started the decline of our country, especially after 1999. We were left alone with the primitive Middle Eastern mindset and were denied our modernised rights.

 "Make me grow, don't make me cry / Where is the love of yours you boast of? / Make me grow, don't make me cry / Don't stall me off with false dreams"

maNga - Cevapsız Sorular (Unanswered Questions)

The moon hushed tonight, has blackened again. What remained are unanswered questions...

Athena - Skalonga

A ska love song? Yes.

Anatolian Rock:

Cem Karaca - Islak Islak (Wet Wet)

The "Wet" in the title is as in having wet eyes from crying. This song uses such analogies and idioms that I doubt it's possible to translate completely. Here's my favourite part: I'm ploughing fields from the clouds, I sow rains onto the bosom of the sky. / I brew your tea under the sun, I filter it from my heart then offer you. / I will mess with the cogwheel of fate. I will mess with the wheel of fate. / 

3 Hürel - Sevenler Ağlarmış (Lovers Cry)

"I wanted to love, to love... But how could I know, lovers cry."

Barış Manço - Dönence (Tropic)

That. Bass.

*

I'd love to add a billion more songs to this list, but I have to sleep now and I'm just talking too much, it's almost 7am. 

The Twilight Zone

(Before I start, I want to explain why I haven't posted here in the last few days: My computer got a virus, and I was dealing with that. I literally can't get a day without something weird happening. I was so paranoid about losing everything, but I got through it without losing anything. Anyway, I factory reset my laptop, changed all my passwords, and took all necessary measures to prevent future problems. It’s alright now. I have too many unpublished posts ugh)

*

Back in 2018, I was really into the Dark Shadows series and The Twilight Zone. I discovered Rush through this obsession. Seeing references to the things I like always makes me feel excited. After discovering them, and seeing what a legend Geddy Lee was, Rush was added to my obsessions list

Also, lots of respect to him for his vocal + bass combo since I find it impossible to sing while playing the bass.

About the song, the lyrics tell the story of two particular episodes of the series. Nothing special if you haven't heard of The Twilight Zone. But the musical composition is just PERFECT. Every instrument is in such harmony, and the second chorus' whisper vocals add the mysterious atmosphere of the series to the song. The bass is really up front, one of the best basslines of all time, in my opinion.

Love's Sweet Exile

 I've been trying to find a song to begin writing about the Manics. I didn't have the courage to start with a track from the Holy Bible. I chose "Love's Sweet Exile" so that I can maybe add in my experience beside the analysis and lighten the mood. This was the track that made me obsessed with the Manics. I haven't passed a single day without listening them ever since the day I heard this track. I will detail the story and the reason why at the end of my analysis.

As someone that values music videos as much as any other element, I have to say that I love this video. The style, starting with a quote from Camus' The Fall, the iconic flashing inverted guitar solo session, Manics style... It's just a visual feast. The part where Nicky shakes the paint really scratches my brain for some reason. Beside the visuals, the video itself doesn't really reflect the lyrics. As someone that had to study Marx (I've never been a fan, sorry.), I had written countless essays in exams and had to read countless pages about this. The lyrics describe the people as "classified machines", which really is just Alienation theory in a nutshell :D Each end of the verses reminds me of 1984's narration of Hate and Existence in state's eyes:

*

“We don't count 'cause we hate”

“You are not dead 'cause we hate”

“We are kept down 'cause we hate”

*

State’s hatred for its people, and the people’s hatred for their state. In a corrupt government, majority of people can identify the problem. Some just choose to blame it on the external forces, some just don't take action despite bashing their government all day. The simplest option for the tired is to “escape” and “Leave this country”. I wrote around a 500 words about my opinions on immigration and alienation but I decided to cut it, because I get really steamed up about it.

I can ease my mind by writing about how I discovered this song:

As I was on the way to the midterm exam for my "Modern political thought" course, I've found a playlist that contained 90s rock and shuffle played it. I paused listening it a while before the exam and revised my notes for Arendt and Marx' alienation theories. I entered the exam and wrote 2-3 pages on each philosopher. After an hour of writing, I was on my way back home and started to continue on the playlist. The first track on the queue was "Love's sweet exile". As I was listening, I felt slapped by the lyrics, as if I was brought back to life after being on low power mode for a long time. The song felt like it was brought to me by a divine force, like it was meant for me to came across this band. Just a few minutes ago, I was writing about the exact same thing, and now I was listening to these lyrics. I did know about the Manic Street Preachers and listened to few of their songs before this incident but I've never felt this way before. Then, I opened the album "Generation Terrorist" and listened all of the tracks. I became obsessed instantly. Since that day, I love the Manics and everything about them <3

Emotion Sickness

 

As my second favourite lyricist (of course the #1 is Richey Edwards), Daniel Johns captures what it's like to suffer under the mental load that's just too much for you, hiding your suffering, avoiding treatment and trying to heal on your own... 

*

Increase, delete, escape, defeat

It's all that matters to you

Cotton case for an iron pill

*

Emotion sickness

Addict with no heroin

Good things will pass

Lessons learnt

*

Night Time

I remember a time when I’d lie in bed, looking up at the stars, wondering if the person who would love me was gazing at the same sky. I’d choose a star, believing that if someone out there was destined to be my lover, they’d be looking at it too. From being so certain that someone would love me one day, when did I become so full of self-pity? What changed?

Such a cliché: 'Is he looking up at the same sky?'

I was a cliché, but I was hopeful. I would wonder where he was, what he was doing, what he was feeling...

'Did he ever think of me the way I thought of him?'

Now, I know. No one is thinking of me right now. At night, I don’t look up at the sky and search for stars anymore.

I’m not completely lost in my misery; there’s still a small part of me that hopes someone out there might care about me, someone who could make me feel lovable. The sun is about to rise, the stars will soon disappear, and here I am, thinking about love again.

Language

"I'm Turkish, so why am I writing in English?"

Great question, me. You see, if my family ever sees what I write, I don't want them to fully understand it. I don't think they'd ever find this unless they go through my laptop without my knowledge; something that would only happen when I die. I have countless pages and notebooks filled with writings in my room, all in English. I started keeping my journal in English when I was in 9th grade, just to make sure that my family couldn't understand any of it. Am I a bit paranoid? Maybe.

I learnt English... I'm not sure how I learnt it, honestly, it's almost as if it spawned in my head one day. Back in middle school, I had times that I'd get 20/100 in English, I was that bad. I didn't like it, I was unwilling to learn it. Our 8th grade English teacher made me almost hate English, she would force us to write a single word 100 times like that's going to help us learn. After the high school entrance exams, I spent my time trying to understand the language. I wasn't sitting down to study it, but since I was interested in the door that learning English would open for me, I spent my time consuming English content all summer. When you're stuck with a language that is only spoken in a single country, you're missing lots of opportunities. Actual answers to your problems and questions, more books to read, more movies to watch, understanding the songs you listen to... It even helped me live and study in another country for half a year! It's incredible how much a little hobby can do for you. 

I don't consider myself a good writer. Given that English is my second language, I tend to make mistakes often. My brother says that I speak "too formally.". I spend my days writing political essays each day in school, I can't help but talk formal!

I'm shy when it comes to talking, even in my mother tongue. When I was in Prague last year, it was really hard to live on my own, surviving just by speaking English. I have an odd accent, so it's better for me to keep my mouth shut.

My roommate (who was one of the kindest souls on earth, I miss her so much </3) and I went to one of our mutual friends' dorms to cook dinner and have some sort of dinner party. Our friend introduced one of his friends to us. We cooked our meals and sat down to eat. They were chatting well, and I was just sitting there, enjoying my time listening to them. THEN, BOOM! They started talking about politics

I couldn't resist and joined the conversation. With that new friend, we discussed discrimination in Czechia for about an hour or so. He said at the end of our conversation, "When you weren't talking, I thought you didn't know English for a second, but you proved me wrong."

I find Turkish to be beautiful; it can be both poetic and vulgar when it needs to be. Unfortunately, both in uni and at home, I'm forced to use English.

I want to end this post with the note my roommate left for me before my flight back to home. <3

Karen Carpenter

Since 2018, I've been a heavy listener of the Carpenters. I start each rainy day or Monday with "Rainy Days and Mondays", listen to their albums on my Walkman NWZ every day. Karen's silky smooth voice always touches my heart. Even though I didn’t know at the time that Karen Carpenter had to go through what I’ve been dealing with since 2019, it felt comforting, as a sister who loves and shares music with my twin brother, to see a duo like this. After reading Little Girl Blue by Randy L. Schmidt a couple of times, I felt even closer to them. Karen Carpenter felt like my own reflection; we had similar personalities and the exact same problems with ourselves; uncaring family, struggling with love life, and issues with body image...

Her story feels like a possible future for me. I'm currently dealing with a lot of heart palpitations, and I'm scared that I'll share the same fate as her. She dealt with this for 8 years, and as someone who is in her 5th year, it feels like my death is getting closer and closer. At times, I drop to such low numbers in weight and then gain it back out of fear that I might die. During the first years of my struggle, my body handled these fluctuations without any visible signs of damage. But especially this year, I can feel my heart growing weaker and weaker. I can feel everything going on inside my chest; I'm in pain with every movement. Even though I appear relatively healthy compared to other years, I can sense my body growing tired. Back to the Carpenters, I’d like to attach a snippet from my favourite song of theirs, or I’m going to be babbling about how I relate to Karen for pages and pages. May her soul rest easy. Thank you for keeping my belief in love alive...

*

How I need you

Someday, all I can give you is someday

Someday, all I can offer is someday

Please say that you'll be waiting when someday comes

Promise me this and a kiss, to keep what you are

Always close to me

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