Pain

I want to write on here more often, I couldn't find the time to do so. My days are passing all so fast and empty. I'm focused on writing my thesis and will have a meeting with my advisor tomorrow. I don't have any motivation to do anything about it really, there's only a single thing occupying my mind right now. A month left for my birthday, and I want to celebrate it in the body I want. I don't want to be the whale I am right now. I'm so tired of deciding every day. I've been really sick, and I had to get better for the meeting tomorrow, so I ate. Thankfully, I won't have another thing I have to attend anytime soon so I'll try to fast 4 out of 7 days of the week until my birthday. I just want to get under 40... I'm so desperate.

Is this all I am? Is this all I ever be? Is my mind trying to distract itself from real issues by driving me into these stupid obsessions? I hate everything about me. I hate it when my legs touch each other, I hate feeling full, I hate feeling warm, I hate my cheeks, I hate my legs, I hate my arms, I hate my stupid hands, I hate any curve, I hate this filth under my skin, I hate how I just can't stop...

I can cry all I want, things that've happened are now in the past, I've given myself this new form of suffering somehow and now I have to let it consume me. I need it. I want it. And I'm so tired of trying to escape it every time it scares me. I need the fake satisfaction it gives me, I need that euphoria. I'm depressed with or without it, at least I can look better while suffering. 

I can be better.