About me.

 After writing so much about my past and present, I think I need to address who I am. I can look back at this if I ever get amnesia:

As surprising as it is, my name starts with the letter S :)

I'm a 20-year-old girl from Istanbul, Turkey. Majoring in Politics (I love my major, I'll never shut up about it like Nicky hehe), I listen to music all day, throughout the last 6 years I'm obsessively into music, I liked a variety of different genres in these years. I'm obsessed with Manic Street Preachers and Suede since the last winter. I'll write my all time favourites at the end of this post. I've been playing bass guitar since 2018. As the big John Deacon fan that I was, I fell in love with Bass and we're getting along well ever since. I have this habit of listening music on my mp3 player but It doesn't get me scrobbles on Last.fm so I'm trying to not use it as much as I used to. When I don't listen to music, I read or write. I'm that type of person that could watch an empty wall without getting bored because my mind would never allow me. I have these fixations on certain things and I shutdown when they're taken away from me, like; I always know where I'll be, what I'll be doing at all times, I know what I'll eat or what I won't eat, I have specific orders, specific routines for doing anything, I wouldn't throw a tantrum if someone interferes them but it'd ruin my day and make me even more miserable than I already am. A day in my life would be: Wake up, watch concert footage on YouTube, read, some screen time, listen to music, watch a movie and sleep (if I can). 

 I try to respect and love everyone, if I find someone interesting, I'd let them know. I don't find myself interesting, so I don't expect others to say it, I don't take it as others expect me to anyways... When others compliment or praise me in any way, I just know they're doing it out of pity. 

"Self disgust is self obsession"

Richey Edwards captured my every day life in a single sentence. 

I hate myself with so much passion that I'm obsessive over it at this point.

I look at myself in the mirror, belittling myself for hours. 

About my personality; I'm pretty much a silent person, but you can't shut my mouth if I'm talking about something/someone I love, I can't stop myself while writing too, my way of thinking is pretty traditional, I know myself - never had the "who am I?" questioning, I'm a cry baby at times, I start crying when I get angry or someone is angry at me, I try to smile around people, no one likes a sour face.

My all time favourites!!!

Music:

Manic Street Preachers, Suede, Oasis, Rush, The Smiths, Carpenters, Silverchair, The Jesus and Mary Chain, The Moody Blues

Authors:

Franz Kafka, George Orwell, Osamu Dazai, Albert Camus, Dostoyevsky

Movies:

Natural Born Killers, Totally F***ed Up, The Best Years of Our Lives, Double Suicide, Rumble Fish

Blogging

I wanted to write on this blog and stop embarrassing myself in other places. At least this way I can be on my own and avoid bothering people on social media. I'll be using this blog to organize my thoughts, write whatever I want whenever I want without being a headache to others. Anyone that is interested in my pathetic life (or just happened to click this blog's link) can willingly read it. I'm currently listening to the iconic "Live at Knebworth" as I write this. I watched the concert this morning, but I had to listen to it again.

When you're as lame as I am, you just can't stand the idea of humiliating yourself even further in the eyes of others. My existence alone is humiliating; that's why I avoid going outside, because just seeing me from the corner of their eyes might ruin someone's day. I look at others and see the goodness in them. But the thing I see in the mirror is just this disgusting creature. I'm just one of many people that feel this way; I know this isn't some original thing to talk about. Even right now, I hate myself for just writing these lines. I apologize if someone actually read these.

I won't be using Twitter or similar platforms as much anymore. I'm not going to announce it on there, because I feel like I've bothered people enough. I'll just post Manics pictures from time to time or anything related, and that'll be it. Because when others drink, they drink to have a good time with friends, maybe for social events... Of course, I'm not completely lonely; I do go out and drink with my friends a couple of times each month. But mostly, I drink alone, in my room, listening to the Manics, Suede, and The Smiths, whatever, and cry until I eventually doze off. After starting to use my phone more, this just turned into me posting pathetic tweets and messaging people random and weird stuff. They might not care; some might not see, but I can't continue doing this.

Paper isn't enough, my hands hurt, and I don't want any physical evidence of my thoughts in case I drop dead someday.

I just know that no one ever will read these, so I'm safe on here.

No one cares.