Numb

 (I wrote a lot of posts, but they'll most likely stay as drafts until I eventually delete them)

Last night, a friend of mine who moved countries texted to check up on me. He's going to be visiting here in late december. He's been really supportive and was the first person to give me a reality check, because he lost a friend to this before. I "jokingly" said that I was going to drop to 30ish kgs till he arrives, to piss him off... 

But I'll actually do that.

It's really f*cked up, like my brain is too damaged beyond repair.

"People send postcards

And they all hope I'm feeling well

I retreat into self-pity, it's so easy"

I have so much to say, but I'm too afraid to talk. I feel like everything I do/say will cause harm or upset someone. I know they will, because I've destroyed so much in the past with my words; now I'm just too scared to even tell a basic story. This fear will eat me alive, I'll miss out on life because of this...

"The hole in my life even stains the soil

My heart shrinks to barely a pulse"

I'm doing this to myself, I can't let it go. 

I know I'm not doing this to myself alone but everyone around me too.

 I'm killing my social life, isolating myself from anything entertaining. I let everyone else use me, I run for their needs, do as they say without hesitation. And I always do it with a smile. I'm feeling guilt for every second I feel remotely happy. I'll let this suffering kill me slowly, but I won't let others see my tears... I won't upset anyone...

"I eat and I dress and I wash and I still can say thank you

Puking, shaking, sinking, I still stand for old ladies

Can't shout, can't scream, hurt myself to get pain out"

Forbid your child from talking about their problems and expressing any emotion if you want them to grow up to be a miserable loser like me.

Beat your child if they're suicidal. Beat them when they cry. Beat them when they ask for help. Break their toys, their cds, tear their books, make them do the chores, starve them, leave them in the car, close the windows, let them be homeless, make them fear your wrath.

But apologise in the end

Because that'd fix everything, right?