Music for the soul

Life’s been great. 

When you’ve got no time to worry about your own problems because of all the chaos this crazy world is throwing at you, you realise how brittle life is. Eventually, I’ll be left alone with my thoughts. Until then, I’m at peace, valuing everything about life. Here are some non-english songs I’ve been listening to on both my mp3 player and spotify. 

We might use different words for "love" but the yearning we all feel deep in our hearts hurts the same:

Jeanette - El Muchacho de los Ojos Tristes (The man with the sad eyes)

*

The man with the sad eyes

Lives alone and needs love

Like the air needs to see me

Like the sun, I need him

*

ВИА Веселые ребята - В последний раз (For the last time)

(I know this version is not the original one, but I like this one's lyrics better.)

*

The time will pass, and you will forget everything that was,

Between us both...

*

国武万里 - ポケベルが鳴らなくて (My pager doesn’t ring)

*

Love is left waiting

I can’t be the one to call you;

I love you more than reality itself.

*

Rammstein - Ohne Dich (Without you)

*

On the branches, in the ditches

It is silent and without life

and the breathing is alas for me so difficult

Woe to me, Oh woe

and the birds no longer sing

Without you I cannot exist

with you, I am also alone

without you, I count the hours without you

with you, the seconds stand still

They are not worthwhile without you

*

(Special thanks to Rammstein for helping me pass many german classes with A's)

The last one has to be a Turkish song :D

Asu Maralman - Bağrı Yanık Dostlara (Sigaramın dumanı da dumanı) [To the heartsick friends (Smoke of my cigarette)]

A little information about the mv: it captures the part of Istanbul I live in so well, it’s incredible. It’s from a movie I also love, set in the same area and on the very streets where I hang out with friends. The whole atmosphere; inside the bars, the characters, the looks, is just perfect.

*

Even if this smoke of my tobacco curves up

The helm of my mind is in my hand

Look here, oh the cruel man

Surely there is a time for everything to happen

Smoke of my cigarette, smoke of it

My lover has no faith

Salute to the heartsick friends, too

Salute to the unhappy partners, too

I sat beside the window, sat beside it

I sang folk songs, sang them

How many years have past away since you promised me and gone away

My life has ended, sufferingly.

*

Free

 Today is either the best day ever or it's just the calm before the storm.

I'm not sure, time will show.

I'm currently obsessed with these pictures, Richey and Nicky + Kate Moss in gold :d

   

MANICS

 I LOVE MANIC STREET PREACHERS SO MUCH IM GONNA LOSE MY MIIIND AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

<3 <3 <3 <3

End of the journal entries

I deleted a bunch of posts and drafts on here, and I'll be putting an end to my journal entries. Because I don't want to look back and remember these days. And no one has to waste their time reading me being an insufferable cry baby each day. If I ever feel the need to announce something, I'll make a special post for it. I apologise to anyone I may have annoyed with my complaining. I just want to get these thoughts out of my head but I'm too much of a coward to let it all out (even when I'm doing it anonymously).

I'm just feeling constant shame for being visible in this body: with this stupid ugly face, and my nonsense talking, in a world full of beautiful people. Can't stop being a headache, a bore to everyone around me. It's a pain. Waking up and looking in the mirror, trying to reassure myself that I look good enough to be seen. I imagine an impossible future, trying to find strength in it to keep hanging on.

I just go on day after day, dreaming on a lie...

I'd give everything for a warm hug right now.

-

*

Cheap cocaine, a dry inhale

The pills that kill and take the pain away

Diet of life, shelter without

The face that cannot see inside yours and mine

When I'm hiding, when I need it

It lets me breathe

For our handle on this life

I don't believe this time

Would you look at me now?

Can you tell I'm a man?

With the scars on my wrists

To prove I'll try again

Try to die again

Try to live through this night

*

I can't take it anymore. I. just. can't.

Can't sleep, can't enjoy anything, can't stop crying...

I'm trying my best, but it just doesn't work.

Anthem for the Year 2000

 

*

We are the youth

Apologise for another day

We are the youth

And politicians are so sure

We are the youth

And we are knocking on death's door

Maybe we don't want to live in a world

Where our innocence is so short

*

...

 Weird and scary life update:

I won't be going to school or outside for a while because there's a certain group of people planning to carry a mass attack on women in my city.

 Existing as a woman is scary enough, and I was paranoid already. Now there'll be people literally hunting women on the streets more often than they already have been. The district where my school is the place that the recent murders took place. There are protests going on there, to draw attention to the rising femicide rates, and that group is planning to target those protests.

I hope this won't escalate any further...

The Downward Spiral

I came across The Downward Spiral by Nine Inch Nails five years ago, and it’s been with me ever since, dragging me deeper with every listen. This is not a cheerful album. It’s a raw, unfiltered descent into depression and destruction. I’ll be breaking down my favourite tracks briefly, sharing some lyrics that have stuck with me along the way.

The whole album deals with rather dark topics: addiction, lust, suicide, depression and so on. I can't put it on the same level as The Holy Bible, since it's pretty straight forward with its lyrics and lacks musicality, unlike HB (<333). I know it's because of its genre but it doesn't change the fact that there's other albums handling the same (or similar) topics with better work.

1) Mr. Self Destruct

In the case of Mr. Self Destruct, it really overwhelms you with its musical side. It does a great job showing how addiction and self-destruction feels; repetitive, the need for more, using it as an exit, and how when we think we're in the control, it's actually the addiction (Mr. Self Destruct) that is in control.

*

I take you where you want to go

I give you all you need to know

I drag you down, I use you up

*

2) Piggy

This song is not really that relatable with its original context, but I'd like to kind of twist the lyrics to fit to my own narrative :) I personally use this song to torture myself, especially in times when I feel healed and fine, like right now. 

*

Hey pig, piggy, pig, pig, pig

All of my fears came true

Black and blue and broken bones

You left me here, I'm all alone

My little piggy needed something new

Nothing can stop me now, 'cause I don't care anymore

Nothing can stop me now, 'cause I don't care

*

3) Closer

I really don't like the fact that this song is taken as like some sex song. It's about how someone uses sex as a form of escapism. Pure self-hatred and self-disgust, nothing hot. Feeling like a piece of filth that can only pollute the other person. Using that instinctual satisfaction to get away from yourself. Nature's lukewarm pleasure ;)

*

My whole existence is flawed

You get me closer to God

You can have my isolation

You can have the hate that it brings

You can have my absence of faith

You can have my everything

*

4) I Do Not Want This

This song reminds me of "No Association" by Silverchair for some reason. Probably because of the part where the narrator denies the empathy given by others. "Who am I? I don't know you tell me. You seem to know everything else.", "You say you care, but do you?". Not wanting anything, even help. Hopelessness and the never-ending struggle with the lack of motivation.

*

You would know, wouldn't you? You extend your hand to those who suffer

To those who know what it really feels like

To those who've had a taste, like that means something

And oh, so sick I am

And maybe I don't have a choice

And maybe that is all I have

And maybe this is a cry for help

I want to know everything

I want to be everywhere

I want to fuck everyone in the world

I want to do something that matters

*

5) The Downward Spiral

End of the spiral, the final act...

*

He couldn't believe how easy it was

He put the gun into his face

Bang!

So much blood from such a tiny little hole

Problems do have solutions, you know

A lifetime of fucking things up fixed

In one determined flash

*

#11

Can I get through a single day without something going wrong?

My grandad had a heart attack this afternoon and is in the hospital now. My other grandad died three years ago, my dad last year, and if I lose someone else this year too...

My mum called and told me we needed to fly to my grandad’s city immediately. I packed both my bag and hers, and we made it to the airport. But then we decided that maybe my brother and I shouldn’t go because the travel costs would be too much for our budget. We stayed until mum boarded the plane, and now we're back home, waiting for updates. 

I’m going to drink to distract myself from everything that’s happening right now.

This is a rushed journal entry.

I could have chosen not to write it, but I’m trying to document everything in real time.

#10

I'm so much better now. Happy again, finally.

More important than my day: REVOL HD MV YIPPIEEE!!! It wasn't as bad as the old faster mv but it's good to have it in HD too :)))))

back to the journal entry:

Today was a great one, I can't believe how I worried about something that literally no one cares about. My friends just complimented me throughout the day; they don't care that my weight hasn't changed since the last time they saw me. Who even judges someone for maintaining their weight? Come on. Of course, I care more about how I see myself, but when I was looking at my reflection in the bathroom mirror at school, my cheeks and eyes looked so sunken. It was almost a bit scary seeing myself like that. I haven't kept anything I've eaten for the last 5 days, and I'm severely dehydrated. 

I'm sooo tired.

After returning from our 15-minute class break, I felt my chest tighten, and I had to go out for fresh air. It was so scary. I stayed outside and listened to music to calm myself down, so I couldn't listen to the last half of the lesson.

I hope I can drop back to where I was two months ago by the end of this month and look better. All this suffering has to have some good outcome.

Besides all that, it's been the best day I've had in a long time <3

+++ I love LOVE listening to "Waking Up" while walking at the train station. It's a euphoric experience.

Goooood night :) <333

Downhill

I'm literally living the thing I was most afraid of a couple of months ago. Tomorrow (technically today) is the first day of the semester, and I look the same as I did in May. I could've maintained 40kg if my heart hadn't been beating funny. I've spent the last 2-3 hours trying on every outfit I own, and all of them look like sh*t because what's underneath feels like a pig. Now that I've been purging for the last 3-4 days, I have to get back down to at least 38kg before the 5th of November.

Why? I don't know. I guess because the little bug inside my brain told me to.