Pain

I want to write on here more often, I couldn't find the time to do so. My days are passing all so fast and empty. I'm focused on writing my thesis and will have a meeting with my advisor tomorrow. I don't have any motivation to do anything about it really, there's only a single thing occupying my mind right now. A month left for my birthday, and I want to celebrate it in the body I want. I don't want to be the whale I am right now. I'm so tired of deciding every day. I've been really sick, and I had to get better for the meeting tomorrow, so I ate. Thankfully, I won't have another thing I have to attend anytime soon so I'll try to fast 4 out of 7 days of the week until my birthday. I just want to get under 40... I'm so desperate.

Is this all I am? Is this all I ever be? Is my mind trying to distract itself from real issues by driving me into these stupid obsessions? I hate everything about me. I hate it when my legs touch each other, I hate feeling full, I hate feeling warm, I hate my cheeks, I hate my legs, I hate my arms, I hate my stupid hands, I hate any curve, I hate this filth under my skin, I hate how I just can't stop...

I can cry all I want, things that've happened are now in the past, I've given myself this new form of suffering somehow and now I have to let it consume me. I need it. I want it. And I'm so tired of trying to escape it every time it scares me. I need the fake satisfaction it gives me, I need that euphoria. I'm depressed with or without it, at least I can look better while suffering. 

I can be better.

Weisses Fleisch

 

Dein weißes Fleisch erregt mich so

Ich bin ein trauriger Gigolo

Dein weißes Fleisch erleuchtet mich

Mein Vater war genau wie ich

Mein krankes Dasein nach Erlösung schreit

Just wanted to share, it's one of my favourites from Rammstein.

Fate

 It's been 13 days since I last posted here because I've been busy studying for my midterms. My exams will be over by next Friday. Anyway, I wanted to write on here to just yap and distract myself.

My grandad has been here for the last few weeks, and I've spent a lot of time talking to him about school, politics, family etc. Both my mum and him think that I'm the copy of my late grandmother. She passed away in 1999 after battling with cancer, so I never knew her. But according to almost every relative I facially and behaviourally resemble her a lot. Here, it's a tradition for the eldest male in your father's family to whisper a prayer and your name into your right ear when you're born. My name on the paper wasn't the one whispered to my ear, it was my grandmother's. People believe names shape who you are, and you're destined to live the same fate as the person you're named after. So, my mum wasn't really happy when my grandad whispered her mother's name to my ear since she lived a rather painful life.

Before my great-grandmother passed, she used to confuse me as her daughter and cry every time she saw me thinking I was her. It was sad then and it still is...

They say that we like the same music, enjoy the same foods, act the same, look the same, and share a love for smoking. I just hope I don’t share the same fate as her.

 It's strange hearing everyone describe someone so much like me; someone I'll never meet, who also never had the chance to meet me.

Numb

 (I wrote a lot of posts, but they'll most likely stay as drafts until I eventually delete them)

Last night, a friend of mine who moved countries texted to check up on me. He's going to be visiting here in late december. He's been really supportive and was the first person to give me a reality check, because he lost a friend to this before. I "jokingly" said that I was going to drop to 30ish kgs till he arrives, to piss him off... 

But I'll actually do that.

It's really f*cked up, like my brain is too damaged beyond repair.

"People send postcards

And they all hope I'm feeling well

I retreat into self-pity, it's so easy"

I have so much to say, but I'm too afraid to talk. I feel like everything I do/say will cause harm or upset someone. I know they will, because I've destroyed so much in the past with my words; now I'm just too scared to even tell a basic story. This fear will eat me alive, I'll miss out on life because of this...

"The hole in my life even stains the soil

My heart shrinks to barely a pulse"

I'm doing this to myself, I can't let it go. 

I know I'm not doing this to myself alone but everyone around me too.

 I'm killing my social life, isolating myself from anything entertaining. I let everyone else use me, I run for their needs, do as they say without hesitation. And I always do it with a smile. I'm feeling guilt for every second I feel remotely happy. I'll let this suffering kill me slowly, but I won't let others see my tears... I won't upset anyone...

"I eat and I dress and I wash and I still can say thank you

Puking, shaking, sinking, I still stand for old ladies

Can't shout, can't scream, hurt myself to get pain out"

Forbid your child from talking about their problems and expressing any emotion if you want them to grow up to be a miserable loser like me.

Beat your child if they're suicidal. Beat them when they cry. Beat them when they ask for help. Break their toys, their cds, tear their books, make them do the chores, starve them, leave them in the car, close the windows, let them be homeless, make them fear your wrath.

But apologise in the end

Because that'd fix everything, right?