Despair2Me: March 2025

I'm at that point in my life where I need to decide,

standing on the edge of a decision that will shape the rest of my life. And if I could walk away from it all right now, I would. I don't want the future my family wants for me; I don't want to pursue the career that would require me to study further. I don't want it. But I'm forced to. And I have little time left to decide.

Applications for schools abroad, a thesis to complete, endless presentations, assignments piling up. So many tasks, yet none of them feel like mine. I don’t truly care about any of it. I only care because I am forced to.

What really haunts me is the question: should I even keep going?

All I want is to escape this life.

Every step I've taken has been to satisfy someone else, to meet expectations that were never my own. And I don’t say this to paint myself as "selfless", I’m not. I’m selfish, so selfish in my own way. I don’t care what people do or feel unless I love them. But I care far too much about everyone's opinion of me. It doesn’t make sense, but that is just how I am.

But I can’t talk about this with the people around me. Even if I tried, they wouldn’t understand. They never have…

With every step I take, I feel like I'm digging myself deeper into this mess, ruining my life more and more. I keep delaying the things that are best for me, the things that actually bring me joy and make me feel loved. I don’t know why I’m like this. I wish someone could grab both my arms, shake me awake, and make me snap out of this nightmare. But I’m alone, always alone. No warmth around me, just sitting here in the house, screaming into an empty void.

I'm in a bubble, so full of love.

I just tweeted about songs that make me cry, so instead of continuing this ramble, I’ll share some of them here along with the lyrics that hit the hardest:::

1

Bir derdim var, artık tutamam içimde (I have a problem, I can't hold it in anymore)

Gitsem nereye kadar? (How far could I go if I left?)

Kalsam neye yarar? (If I stay, what would it change)

Hiç anlatamadım, hiç anlamadılar (I could never tell, they never understood)

Herkes neden düşman? (Why is everyone an enemy?)

Unuttuk hepsini, Nuh'un nefesini (We've forgot all of them, Noah's breath)

Gelme yanıma, sen başkasın, ben başka (Don't come near/to me, you're one, and I am another)

Pretty self-explanatory. I was listening to this while writing the last paragraph. The lyrics are really well written but hard to translate properly because of all the double meanings and wordplay. I can explain some: "Leaving" is used to mean both physically going away and committing suicide. And the repetition of "Why is everyone an enemy?" can be understood in two ways "Why is everyone each other’s enemy?" and "Why does everyone treat me like an enemy?" the next line makes it clearer, but I love that little detail I wanted to point it out :P

Also, the last part absolutely destroys me
it always feels like a stab in the heart.

2

This makes me cry for 2 separate reasons:

1) It was one of Atatürk's favourite songs.

2) It captures the feeling of "yearning" in such a beautifully poetic way. I love folk songs, even though they are considered old-fashioned.

Again, I can't translate it properly, but I'll write the direct translation.

Bir fırtına tuttu bizi deryaya kardı (A storm took hold of us and cast us into the sea)

O bizim kavuşmalarımız, A yârim mahşere kaldı (Oh, my beloved, our reunion is now left for the afterlife)

3

月に抱かれもうこのまま (Now, as I am held by the moon)

全て消えてしまえばいい… (It's better if everything disappears...)

I remember the day Atsushi Sakurai died so vividly. I was out drinking with my friends when I saw the news on a music news account. We stayed at the bar until 3am, drinking as BUCK-TICK played through the speakers all night. I was already in a terrible mood that day, and I ended up crying my eyes out, both for Atsushi Sakurai and for my own life. The live version I attached already has translated lyrics, so I just included the part that hits me the most.

4

this one might seem absurd. I mean, why would anyone get upset over "Downtown"???

But this was the last song my dad and I listened to together. I avoid hearing it as much as I can, and even while attaching it here, I tried my best not to hear a second of it.

5

A little bit similar to the previous one:
When I lost my grandad in 2020, my brother tried to play songs to distract us after we got the call. He put on "Hey You" on the TV, a really REALLY bad decision. My father wasn’t speaking to his family, so he wouldn’t let us speak to them either. The last time I saw my grandad was four years before his passing, I wasn't allowed to speak to him at the time.

I remember, one day, when we were sitting in a park with my father, my grandad walked past us. My father said, loud and without shame, "Can you see him? He's at death's door. Bet he can't even recognise us"

I’m not going to continue with this memory because it’s just too painful. I don’t want to remember any more.