Pure and Loved

 This is an obsession. For the last 5 years of my life that I've been mentally sick, this is the ultimate greatness to me. To share true love and stay pure. I am a human and I am flawed. But I have this image of myself in my mind that I can't shake, I am so scared of losing this notion I created in my mind and keep so highly that I'm lying to myself.

To me, purity is abstaining from lust, greed and ignorance. And in terms of Love; I assume no one can love me the way I love them. Because I've never experienced that kind of mutual love, at least the one in my imagination. I'm talking about beyond divine Eros, a love and attraction so pure you love their mere existence. You love even other person's flaws just because it's theirs. That's how I imagine true love. But I am also scared of that sort of loving, because what if they abuse my love for them? What if I become so blinded to their flaws that we share a love similar to Naomi and Joji? This scares me so much.

Am I pure? No. 

I am tempted by greed and lust; I stay ignorant when it serves me in some way. But I avoid them as much as a human can. They are just a product of our animalistic nature. You'll always crave the touch of another. No one can stay that pure unless they're God. So, I compare myself to others, or to morality. Then I feel relief because I am pure when compared to others. 

Does it make me feel like I'm better than others? Also no. 

Because they are free of the torture of always putting this pressure on themselves. Did anyone told me to stay pure, did anyone obligated me to find true love? Only I did and still do. This is not the way to live. I wish I was just another person, free of guilt and madness that comes with thinking too much. I'd be dull but I'd be happy. I am not unique either, I am just another miserable being. I'm stuck in the cell I've put myself into, I have the keys, I know the way out, but I don't take action. Because I've never seen what it's like outside of this cell. Only if I could...

look in the mirror and not hate the reflection,

act and not feel regret,

sin and accept forgiveness,

love and confess.

***

"I think we’re romantic people in some ways, but when it comes to relationships it’s not a question of ‘Can you trust another human being?’, so much as a question of trusting yourself. The animalistic nature of man seems to mean that you’re bound to find other people physically attractive. And there’s something dishonest about shutting those feelings off - it seems puritanical to deny yourself that. The idea of sin is still so widely pervading."

— Richey Edwards